Deuces (Explicit Version)

Anthony Hamilton - her heart (video with lyrics)

It would be a lie if I said I never think of death.
I think about her daily almost more than life itself.
I wonder where I might go, if anywhere at all.
Do we rot beneath the ground or do we simply fall?
Fall forever into nothingness, like a bottomless pit.
In absolute darkness, inside a firey abyss.
Do we instead rise above the clouds, and the stars and everything we know?
Rise to be reunited with those we love or are we still alone.

It would be a lie, if I said I never think of love
I think about her daily almost more than life itself.
I wonder can my heart contain her, or is she just a myth.
I muse, will I ever find her, is she lost beyond the mist.
Is she a prize that I must win, or something only given as a gift.
And if I ever found her, could I keep her for myself?
or his she forbidden treasure something only found in death.

It's been so long ago, its almost like a dream.
I just see flashes, short-lived glimpses of what we used to be.
Its been a long time since I touched you or held you in my calloused hands. Ive been alone for such a time, I wouldnt expect you to understand. I have learned to be alone, a hard and usefull skill. It makes me exempt from love; Its easier to seperate the fiegned from whats real. Relying soley on myself, I no longer have to trust. However all my treasures mold and all the riches rust. But I am free from smiles and tears and Im not a slave to anneversaries. Im not bound by Hallmark cards nor by cries from an infants nursery. There are no boring weddings to attend, no reunions to show up to. No happiness to strive for, and no long list of things to do.

I am master of my domain, there's no tug-of-war over the sheets. There are no more nagging voices saying drag the trash out to the street. There is always enough food and the shower is always hot enough for me. I thought I wanted something else but alone is what I want to be. Its been so long ago, it's almost like a dream. I have swallowed all the pain and now this is all I see.

Monster Man

I’m often brought to a place where I can see the events of the past a bit more clearly than I ever could before and it requires me to have a greater measure of emotional control to deal with it, but I see it as very necessary. In order for me to gain a grip on what I have been doing the past eleven months I must consider the actions I had taken in the past and realize that those choices were all, “misguided” to say the least. I thought about my life more in terms of what it should be based on what I thought I deserved and I always found myself insecure and unsatisfied with the results of the fallacy. In retrospect I know that it is not always about what you want and more so about what you do that matters to people in this lifetime.

I chose things out of selfish ambition and out of pride more than out of feeling like I wanted to do something good for someone else for any reason. She meant a lot to me but in the days, months, and years that went by while we were entangled in each other’s affections I pushed her feelings and needs to the side in search for the things just beyond my grasp. For the things that “teased” my senses within my line of sight but at the same time seemed to remain intangible. There were weeks that went by when we would not consider one another; we just lived in the same space. There were times when we might both be trying to say the same thing but wind up arguing our points until one of us, usually her, would admit that we were being a bit foolish. I made the excuse that everything I was doing was so that we could have a life we could be proud of instead of the kind that we had long before either of us knew the others name.
I was jealous, sometimes for a reason and sometimes because I was a drug addict, who couldn’t properly handle his own emotions. I wanted a family so bad that in the middle I lost sight of who I had to please in order for us to be together to have the family. I was jealous because I thought the worst of myself and I assumed that a lot of other people thought the worst of me too. I went out to parties and cheated on my girlfriend because I thought I should take every opportunity to do all the things that made me happy in life regardless of how anybody else felt. I thought I had to play the role that most young black men find themselves in these days; the hustler, the player, and the drug dealer.

Little did I know at the time she saw right through all my lies and she was a bit better at the game than I was because as hard a shell and as much gunk as I carried on my shoulders, she still carried more, but I never really listened to the warning signs. I’ve come this far and now when I look back and I try to place myself in the situations in hindsight, the “thing” I see in my shoes, was more monster than man. That being whose face looks just like mine, he’s not me, but I know he’s still lingering around, somewhere. He did more damage to the people I love than I care to think about, and somehow they’ve forgiven us for the scars we’ve left, but I haven’t been able to forgive or forget that man, that monster with my face.

Final Reflection......For English Class.

I have really enjoyed writing in this calss this semester and yet I still dont think that writing everyday will neccessarily push all the good out of a person. I don't think it works like that. I think that every person does what he or she wants to do in a way and that truely good writing must oome in a sorrt of A-HAA moment when inspiration strikes. I want to believe that I am better for simply practicing the moves so that when the times does come and inspiration strikes me between the eyes, i wont be halted by the need to hit backspace on the keyboard. I am full of so much thought on a day to day basis because I am so introspective and I hope that i was able to release those thoughts floating around without running into a wall every other minute or so.
I wish I would have participated in your Blue Plate Monday's Mrs. Anthony. Ms. Kim Wells has found it so interesting and she is my friend. I reflect on this because sometimes I think I get myself into the habit of doing what comes easiest instead of challenging myself to try something, out of the ordinary. Thanks, for the opprotunity to be in your class this semester, for the most part it has been a pleasure.

Bible Study
The beginning of Titus talks about him being in the city of Crete in order to appoint elders, Paul gives a list of characteristics that an elder must possess. I think he wants it to be known that the work of the ministry must begin at home before it can be brought to others in the community. Paul writes to Titus explaining that an elder must not have wild children and he must be faithful to his wife. This says to me that people are always watching the lives of those who lead. He wants it to be known that since people are watching their actions that they must be honest and upright people. Most importantly he lets it be known that after all the ground work has been laid and the foundations of the family life are set in order that the elder must be strong in the word of God.
Then Paul writes about some of the corruption within the Cretan people. Chapter 1 verse 12 says, “One of Crete's own prophets has said it: "Cretans are always liars, evil brutes, lazy gluttons.” I think that says a lot about them as a people. They are a people who had stretched in order to separate themselves from the love of God. It is very interesting that the very same people who had been described as “always liars,” are the same people who have claimed to know God. Maybe they have gotten to the point where they have lied to themselves so many times that they have begun to believe. In verse 16 it talks about them denying Christ by their actions and not being fit for anything good. I like to think of it as the blind leading the blind in a way. How you teach your children if you don’t know how to read and how can you lead someone to salvation if you have not truly accepted Jesus as your Lord and Savior?
Paul’s final remarks talk about doing what is good and right and leading just and productive lives. I think that his comments bear a great weight on those in the Harbor house today. We all need to be built up in the word of God in order to fight in this war. We must learn to lead productive lives and strive to do what God commands.
Some days I feel like I succeed in doing the right thing and on other day I feel as if I fail. However I always look at my situation and I try to press on and not slip into the attitude of those who allow one bad choice determine what the future holds. Because God saved us not by our righteousness but by his mercy.