I’m often brought to a place where I can see the events of the past a bit more clearly than I ever could before and it requires me to have a greater measure of emotional control to deal with it, but I see it as very necessary. In order for me to gain a grip on what I have been doing the past eleven months I must consider the actions I had taken in the past and realize that those choices were all, “misguided” to say the least. I thought about my life more in terms of what it should be based on what I thought I deserved and I always found myself insecure and unsatisfied with the results of the fallacy. In retrospect I know that it is not always about what you want and more so about what you do that matters to people in this lifetime.
I chose things out of selfish ambition and out of pride more than out of feeling like I wanted to do something good for someone else for any reason. She meant a lot to me but in the days, months, and years that went by while we were entangled in each other’s affections I pushed her feelings and needs to the side in search for the things just beyond my grasp. For the things that “teased” my senses within my line of sight but at the same time seemed to remain intangible. There were weeks that went by when we would not consider one another; we just lived in the same space. There were times when we might both be trying to say the same thing but wind up arguing our points until one of us, usually her, would admit that we were being a bit foolish. I made the excuse that everything I was doing was so that we could have a life we could be proud of instead of the kind that we had long before either of us knew the others name.
I was jealous, sometimes for a reason and sometimes because I was a drug addict, who couldn’t properly handle his own emotions. I wanted a family so bad that in the middle I lost sight of who I had to please in order for us to be together to have the family. I was jealous because I thought the worst of myself and I assumed that a lot of other people thought the worst of me too. I went out to parties and cheated on my girlfriend because I thought I should take every opportunity to do all the things that made me happy in life regardless of how anybody else felt. I thought I had to play the role that most young black men find themselves in these days; the hustler, the player, and the drug dealer.
Little did I know at the time she saw right through all my lies and she was a bit better at the game than I was because as hard a shell and as much gunk as I carried on my shoulders, she still carried more, but I never really listened to the warning signs. I’ve come this far and now when I look back and I try to place myself in the situations in hindsight, the “thing” I see in my shoes, was more monster than man. That being whose face looks just like mine, he’s not me, but I know he’s still lingering around, somewhere. He did more damage to the people I love than I care to think about, and somehow they’ve forgiven us for the scars we’ve left, but I haven’t been able to forgive or forget that man, that monster with my face.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Friday, May 1, 2009
Final Reflection......For English Class.
I have really enjoyed writing in this calss this semester and yet I still dont think that writing everyday will neccessarily push all the good out of a person. I don't think it works like that. I think that every person does what he or she wants to do in a way and that truely good writing must oome in a sorrt of A-HAA moment when inspiration strikes. I want to believe that I am better for simply practicing the moves so that when the times does come and inspiration strikes me between the eyes, i wont be halted by the need to hit backspace on the keyboard. I am full of so much thought on a day to day basis because I am so introspective and I hope that i was able to release those thoughts floating around without running into a wall every other minute or so.
I wish I would have participated in your Blue Plate Monday's Mrs. Anthony. Ms. Kim Wells has found it so interesting and she is my friend. I reflect on this because sometimes I think I get myself into the habit of doing what comes easiest instead of challenging myself to try something, out of the ordinary. Thanks, for the opprotunity to be in your class this semester, for the most part it has been a pleasure.
I wish I would have participated in your Blue Plate Monday's Mrs. Anthony. Ms. Kim Wells has found it so interesting and she is my friend. I reflect on this because sometimes I think I get myself into the habit of doing what comes easiest instead of challenging myself to try something, out of the ordinary. Thanks, for the opprotunity to be in your class this semester, for the most part it has been a pleasure.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Bible Study
The beginning of Titus talks about him being in the city of Crete in order to appoint elders, Paul gives a list of characteristics that an elder must possess. I think he wants it to be known that the work of the ministry must begin at home before it can be brought to others in the community. Paul writes to Titus explaining that an elder must not have wild children and he must be faithful to his wife. This says to me that people are always watching the lives of those who lead. He wants it to be known that since people are watching their actions that they must be honest and upright people. Most importantly he lets it be known that after all the ground work has been laid and the foundations of the family life are set in order that the elder must be strong in the word of God.
Then Paul writes about some of the corruption within the Cretan people. Chapter 1 verse 12 says, “One of Crete's own prophets has said it: "Cretans are always liars, evil brutes, lazy gluttons.” I think that says a lot about them as a people. They are a people who had stretched in order to separate themselves from the love of God. It is very interesting that the very same people who had been described as “always liars,” are the same people who have claimed to know God. Maybe they have gotten to the point where they have lied to themselves so many times that they have begun to believe. In verse 16 it talks about them denying Christ by their actions and not being fit for anything good. I like to think of it as the blind leading the blind in a way. How you teach your children if you don’t know how to read and how can you lead someone to salvation if you have not truly accepted Jesus as your Lord and Savior?
Paul’s final remarks talk about doing what is good and right and leading just and productive lives. I think that his comments bear a great weight on those in the Harbor house today. We all need to be built up in the word of God in order to fight in this war. We must learn to lead productive lives and strive to do what God commands.
Some days I feel like I succeed in doing the right thing and on other day I feel as if I fail. However I always look at my situation and I try to press on and not slip into the attitude of those who allow one bad choice determine what the future holds. Because God saved us not by our righteousness but by his mercy.
Monday, April 27, 2009
How to make a Bologna and Chesse Sandwich
Hot Sandwich
Growing up there were four of us kids that all lived under the same roof. When there was hot food around it was because my mother made it and we accepted what she made and it was always good. After a while my mom started working nights and so the eldest children had to cook for the younger ones and I became pretty good at the basics in the ghetto. That is Kool-Aid, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and my favorite was simply fried bologna and cheese. There isn’t much to making most sandwiches and this one is probably the simplest. It goes right up there with brushing your teeth, on the list of simple things.
First you need to get all your ingredients together and set them together within an easily accessible reach.
Ingredients
1. White Bread
2. 2 slices of Bologna
3. 1 slice of American Cheese
4. The tangy zip of Miracle Whip
Turn on the stove as high as it will go, then back down about one notch. Lay your skillet on the stove burner and add about 2 tablespoons of butter to the skillet. Allow the butter to coat the entire surface of the skillet. Add your 2 slices of bologna to the pan until the meat bubbles in the center then flip. After you flip them the meat will be turned up like a bowl, but continue to cook until the bologna lies back down, then turn the burner off all the way.
Add whatever amount of Miracle Whip you choose to your bread and then both pieces of cheese. Right out of the pan use a fork to slap the bologna on the bread and cheese and let it sit a few minutes so that the heat of the bologna can melt the cheese. Enjoy your low budget meal.
There is a door that leads you out of our dining room and into the kitchen. Once you walk through this door there is an island, to the left but smack dab in the middle of the room. To your right you will see a counter top big enough to lie down on and stretch your arms out above your head. Under that counter there are a couple of cabinets full of different kinds of pots and pans and all sorts of scarcely used utensils. If you make a left and watch out for the island then right over head about three feet in front of you, you will see the kitchen’s sink. Above the kitchen sink there are more cabinets filled with all sorts of boxed foods and some different kinds of mixes. Also in this same cabinet there are two jars of peanut butter. Look around for the one with the red label and not the blue one. The blue jar is chunky peanut butter and you don’t want to go there. Turn right and you can’t miss our double wide refrigerator and in there you will find the bread and maybe even a knife left over from another dish that you could surely wash and use to make yourself a peanut butter sandwich.
Growing up there were four of us kids that all lived under the same roof. When there was hot food around it was because my mother made it and we accepted what she made and it was always good. After a while my mom started working nights and so the eldest children had to cook for the younger ones and I became pretty good at the basics in the ghetto. That is Kool-Aid, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and my favorite was simply fried bologna and cheese. There isn’t much to making most sandwiches and this one is probably the simplest. It goes right up there with brushing your teeth, on the list of simple things.
First you need to get all your ingredients together and set them together within an easily accessible reach.
Ingredients
1. White Bread
2. 2 slices of Bologna
3. 1 slice of American Cheese
4. The tangy zip of Miracle Whip
Turn on the stove as high as it will go, then back down about one notch. Lay your skillet on the stove burner and add about 2 tablespoons of butter to the skillet. Allow the butter to coat the entire surface of the skillet. Add your 2 slices of bologna to the pan until the meat bubbles in the center then flip. After you flip them the meat will be turned up like a bowl, but continue to cook until the bologna lies back down, then turn the burner off all the way.
Add whatever amount of Miracle Whip you choose to your bread and then both pieces of cheese. Right out of the pan use a fork to slap the bologna on the bread and cheese and let it sit a few minutes so that the heat of the bologna can melt the cheese. Enjoy your low budget meal.
There is a door that leads you out of our dining room and into the kitchen. Once you walk through this door there is an island, to the left but smack dab in the middle of the room. To your right you will see a counter top big enough to lie down on and stretch your arms out above your head. Under that counter there are a couple of cabinets full of different kinds of pots and pans and all sorts of scarcely used utensils. If you make a left and watch out for the island then right over head about three feet in front of you, you will see the kitchen’s sink. Above the kitchen sink there are more cabinets filled with all sorts of boxed foods and some different kinds of mixes. Also in this same cabinet there are two jars of peanut butter. Look around for the one with the red label and not the blue one. The blue jar is chunky peanut butter and you don’t want to go there. Turn right and you can’t miss our double wide refrigerator and in there you will find the bread and maybe even a knife left over from another dish that you could surely wash and use to make yourself a peanut butter sandwich.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
I Stir
I wonder how things will turn out after this semester. Will I be able to finish the race to the end or will I fall before I reach the finish line? I often wonder how things will develop with regards to the friends that I have made this semester. Will we know one another in a few years or will we survive as a faint memory? This year has been one of test. It has tried my patience and corrected. This year I find myself planning for my future more than I ever had before and I find myself losing the battle of my spirit. I found the love of God in the winter of 2008 and ever since my life has been totally different. I live close to downtown, and every Friday and Saturday night I can hear the roar of the college kids having the time of their lives and I think about how fun that might be. I find myself in turmoil, stuck between wanting to go out and party with friends and dealing with my need to do what I know is better for me. Sometimes I wonder if I would even enjoy myself if I went out to a bar. I don’t drink and I don’t smoke anymore and I don’t even like the smell of the places anymore. It would not be a place that I could go to in order to meet anybody with any kind of self-control. I imagine myself in the middle of two girls puking and possibly some fight going on behind me and all of a sudden I don’t want to go to the bar anymore. Ten minutes after that feeling goes away another one storms its way into my mind. I look into the night’s sky and I see and hear the explosion of the fireworks at Hammons Stadium. The bright colors and the noise remind me of the years I spent working at Busch Stadium in St. Louis. So much life in one place all gathered together in the name of the great American pastime. Ten I think about all the drunken people I used to have to ride the metro link train with and I instantly forget about going out to a baseball game. I sit on my patio thinking about what to do and tapping my fingers wishing there were more to this town than bars and restaurants. I wind up doing what I always do and putting on some “feel good” music and lying down to a movie and snacks. It seems like the only thing that I can do without feeling some sort of guilt, without feeling like I would be going against what I believe in order to do it. Still I think the devil knows what his angle will need to be if he is ever to gain a foothold in my life. The buzz of the night life is a lure that remains. Part of me feels as if I am missing out on a part of my youth by denying myself simple pleasures. Another side of me wants that to be over so I can move on to the next chapter of my life. Is there a common ground where the transition can occur in a smooth fashion?
Friday, April 24, 2009
If you have read any of my free writings you would know that this woman that I love has a hold of my heart. I think more than wanting to rekindle a dying flame; I just want to fall in love again. There is a difference between being lost without her and just plain old tired of being alone. I’m tired of avoiding going out to eat because I don’t want to eat by myself. I tire of the coldness of my sheets and I am so tired of trying to act like everything is alright. Nothing is the same and I just wish that I could cope a little better. I have all this money in the bank and no one to spend it on. I have all this energy and enthusiasm and I am only getting older. I see all the things that I am missing out on but I won’t allow myself to act like a victim to this. Sure, in my writings I can only express the truth in my heart but my hope is that when people see me I don’t simply radiate with self pity. My aim is to emit some sort of light that is attractive to those around me. My goal is to glow in such a way that my personality just spills over into the laps of my friends, giving them the motivation get over themselves.
I think back on the way that I used to be and I am happy about the fact that I have changed inside. I have changed for the better in the way that I treat people and it is as if my heart knows better than to assume that people will always be there. I used to assume that she would always be there but look at how that blew up in my smug face. So the, “new me” so to speak, is trying to be more humble and gracious and conscious to the fact that people are precious. [I wish I could explain some things without using classic clichés.]
I think back on the way that I used to be and I am happy about the fact that I have changed inside. I have changed for the better in the way that I treat people and it is as if my heart knows better than to assume that people will always be there. I used to assume that she would always be there but look at how that blew up in my smug face. So the, “new me” so to speak, is trying to be more humble and gracious and conscious to the fact that people are precious. [I wish I could explain some things without using classic clichés.]
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Love
I think the hardest thing about being in love is the fact that sometimes you’ll find yourself thinking that everything is fine and that you are on the same page as the person you love until somewhere along the road communication breaks down. You say to yourself that if there was a problem he or she would say so. If ever we needed to talk to one another that the lines of communication are strong and always open. If ever I didn’t have anyone else to confide in that I can always count on my love to be there.
Too often we have traveled down roads blind and now we consider ourselves a bit wiser and a bit more cautious than we were. Too often we allow ourselves to slip into this mode of gentleness and soft eyes, all previous heartaches had robbed us of, until the wall falls down. We must open the gates in order to let them in but in doing so we sometimes become prematurely defenseless. We don’t see the break and maybe it’s because we don’t want it to be over just yet. Maybe it’s because we have been lonely and so we are willing to put up with a little more each day because we don’t want to be alone.
Don’t get me wrong, we are not weak individuals. You must understand that there is a lot of energy and a lot of work that goes into forging a successful relationship. It would just be a shame to let something so painstaking just shatter because of something so, unnecessary. We’ve gotten ourselves into the habit of letting the little things go and not holding grudges. Enough time goes by and we don’t even feel the tug when they begin to pull away. We don’t notice when the arguments become silence or when the wildfire becomes a dimly glowing ember.
We make more and more excuses for them and sometimes we even allow ourselves to believe the lies. Some of us are looking for that first high all over again but those of us who have been under the influence know that the first high is the sweetest. To every person who has never felt like they needed an anonymous meeting after coming down, I’m here to tell you that it won’t ever be the same, but we never stop looking for that sweet love.
Does the events that occur in our relationships today, affect how we trust tomorrow? Will we ever be able to put forth the same amount or more effort than we did when we were blinded by our foolish hearts? What does that mean? Are we forever scarred by the trauma or can we choose? I think we are always left with the choice except most people have a limit on how much they are willing to put themselves through. We wonder how they could pleasure putting us through so much pain. A man won’t usually fall in love more than a few times before something inside him snaps in two. One day he will turn away, dry his eyes, and erect the walls again. If he does fall in love again, he won’t say so, for the fear of being made fool at heart again.
If you could examine the condition of my heart you would see something in the likeness of a stone. If you could touch it you would feel something like a hard callous at just above room temperature. If you dropped it to the ground I would feel no pain. If it fell to the dirt it would not bounce and if it fell into water it would surely sink.
Too often we have traveled down roads blind and now we consider ourselves a bit wiser and a bit more cautious than we were. Too often we allow ourselves to slip into this mode of gentleness and soft eyes, all previous heartaches had robbed us of, until the wall falls down. We must open the gates in order to let them in but in doing so we sometimes become prematurely defenseless. We don’t see the break and maybe it’s because we don’t want it to be over just yet. Maybe it’s because we have been lonely and so we are willing to put up with a little more each day because we don’t want to be alone.
Don’t get me wrong, we are not weak individuals. You must understand that there is a lot of energy and a lot of work that goes into forging a successful relationship. It would just be a shame to let something so painstaking just shatter because of something so, unnecessary. We’ve gotten ourselves into the habit of letting the little things go and not holding grudges. Enough time goes by and we don’t even feel the tug when they begin to pull away. We don’t notice when the arguments become silence or when the wildfire becomes a dimly glowing ember.
We make more and more excuses for them and sometimes we even allow ourselves to believe the lies. Some of us are looking for that first high all over again but those of us who have been under the influence know that the first high is the sweetest. To every person who has never felt like they needed an anonymous meeting after coming down, I’m here to tell you that it won’t ever be the same, but we never stop looking for that sweet love.
Does the events that occur in our relationships today, affect how we trust tomorrow? Will we ever be able to put forth the same amount or more effort than we did when we were blinded by our foolish hearts? What does that mean? Are we forever scarred by the trauma or can we choose? I think we are always left with the choice except most people have a limit on how much they are willing to put themselves through. We wonder how they could pleasure putting us through so much pain. A man won’t usually fall in love more than a few times before something inside him snaps in two. One day he will turn away, dry his eyes, and erect the walls again. If he does fall in love again, he won’t say so, for the fear of being made fool at heart again.
If you could examine the condition of my heart you would see something in the likeness of a stone. If you could touch it you would feel something like a hard callous at just above room temperature. If you dropped it to the ground I would feel no pain. If it fell to the dirt it would not bounce and if it fell into water it would surely sink.
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