I Stir
I wonder how things will turn out after this semester. Will I be able to finish the race to the end or will I fall before I reach the finish line? I often wonder how things will develop with regards to the friends that I have made this semester. Will we know one another in a few years or will we survive as a faint memory? This year has been one of test. It has tried my patience and corrected. This year I find myself planning for my future more than I ever had before and I find myself losing the battle of my spirit. I found the love of God in the winter of 2008 and ever since my life has been totally different. I live close to downtown, and every Friday and Saturday night I can hear the roar of the college kids having the time of their lives and I think about how fun that might be. I find myself in turmoil, stuck between wanting to go out and party with friends and dealing with my need to do what I know is better for me. Sometimes I wonder if I would even enjoy myself if I went out to a bar. I don’t drink and I don’t smoke anymore and I don’t even like the smell of the places anymore. It would not be a place that I could go to in order to meet anybody with any kind of self-control. I imagine myself in the middle of two girls puking and possibly some fight going on behind me and all of a sudden I don’t want to go to the bar anymore. Ten minutes after that feeling goes away another one storms its way into my mind. I look into the night’s sky and I see and hear the explosion of the fireworks at Hammons Stadium. The bright colors and the noise remind me of the years I spent working at Busch Stadium in St. Louis. So much life in one place all gathered together in the name of the great American pastime. Ten I think about all the drunken people I used to have to ride the metro link train with and I instantly forget about going out to a baseball game. I sit on my patio thinking about what to do and tapping my fingers wishing there were more to this town than bars and restaurants. I wind up doing what I always do and putting on some “feel good” music and lying down to a movie and snacks. It seems like the only thing that I can do without feeling some sort of guilt, without feeling like I would be going against what I believe in order to do it. Still I think the devil knows what his angle will need to be if he is ever to gain a foothold in my life. The buzz of the night life is a lure that remains. Part of me feels as if I am missing out on a part of my youth by denying myself simple pleasures. Another side of me wants that to be over so I can move on to the next chapter of my life. Is there a common ground where the transition can occur in a smooth fashion?