Without fail, every night I find myself full of regret when faced with the thoughts of who I really am. No one knows the real me and it just, flat out stinks when you live a double life. Often I have to check myself in order to keep that old sinful man in line with the desires of my heart. Inside me, one man is outgoing and eager and the other is introverted and unhappy. The good man is timid yet generous and kind. The bad man dives head first into his life without the slightest care for anyone else but himself. The bad man is a thrill seeker and the good man is a fire fighter who is actively involved in the lives of his friends and family. I often ask myself how and why this duo coexists. I ask myself how can there be peace.
On the nights when I happen to dream I am plagued by the poor decisions I have made and I am made a fool when I can finally see what I should have done. Sometimes I will happen to notice a nice couple holding hands and the sight of their closeness is like a dagger. Their smiles dredge up photo like memories, seemingly insignificant things that I have stashed away, in a place where I pray they can do no more harm. Still, I grind my teeth in my sleep until small bits break under the pressure and in the morning I am always in need of a few aspirins and a cigarette. When I brush my teeth and tongue I often look in the mirror and recite a few, necessary lies, telling myself things will be alright, if only I could make it through the moment. Then I take a breath and nothing has changed and that bad man mocks me, telling me how stupid I am for denying myself. Why don’t you stop in the bar and remember what it tastes like to have a beer or two among friends. Remember how much fun you used to have he says, and his voice echoes in my mind. The good man in me crawls out of his shell and tells that intimidating persona, that he can shove his bar beauties and he can keep his nightlife. And as he nestles back inside his hideout he prays for love.