Ever since I started going back to school I have felt like I have renewed some purpose in my life yet there is still a hollow cavern dug out of all my prior misery that lingers beneath the surface. It begs to be released from its prison and I must keep it at bay on a daily basis. It whispers in my ear about the former pleasures of that retired lifestyle and sometimes I listen. I am at war with myself because I want to do the right things but I want also to feel good again. I want to feel the way I felt when life meant so much less and the consequences of a slip weren’t so high.
I have begun going back to church this year and it has been an interesting journey to say the least. Faith is just so hard to come by these days; it is a high priced commodity, just about the same as gas. It is the fuel that drives our salvation and without it, in the proper dosage, we all go to hell in a decadent hand basket.
At one point I gave myself over t the pleasures of my sinful nature and I did anything and everything I wanted to do without remorse. I made cash the easy way and I never devoted any of my time to helping anyone else. I never would inconvenience myself for anyone because I only cared about myself. If you had asked me two years ago what I thought was the most important thing in the world, I would have answered like a fool. I don’t know for a fact that I have changed all that much either because in my heart I know that I still listen to that voice. The one telling me that I will now and forever be alone.