Sometimes it is difficult to admit to myself or to anyone else that I was the kind of wicked man the bible talks about, specifically the kind of man talked about in 2nd Timothy 3:6-7.
“ They are the kind who worm their way into homes and gain control over weak-willed women, who are loaded down with sins and are swayed by all kinds of evil desires, always learning but never able to acknowledge the truth.” I preyed on people who were emotionally deprived and I hunted those who were seeking what I could so readily provide. I wanted what was easy and something that I would not miss when it was gone. I wanted something I could pick up and subsequently throw away when I was done with it. I was a man whom had lowered his standards and values to a degree whereby I would put up with just about any kind of person in order to keep myself surrounded by someone. I can stand before an audience and God now unashamed because it was a place in my life that I feel I had to go through in order to be where I am today. They say that whatever doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger but I for one think that in the process of becoming stronger, you just got to break a little. I went through a period where I just did what I needed to do in order to satisfy my hearts desires, even if just for a moment, with drugs and alcohol or in the brief ecstasy of an orgasm.
The last part of the verse talks about a man who is always learning but never able to acknowledge the truth. This is the part I have trouble with even still, because in the back of my mind I wonder have I truly changed. Am I simply going through the motions in order to escape a lifestyle I can’t seem to forget? Do I just posses a “head knowledge” of God the way I imagine him to be, or has His word dipped down into the cavities of my heart?