Each and every dollar I spend inches me ever closer to an unattainable goal. All my efforts are poured into an attempt to cover up what's inside. My prideful attitude is a mask to conceal the shame. Subconsciously I think about wheather or not my smile is bright enough to hide the sorrow in my eyes. Still all these memories rise up out of thier graves and take me to a place where there exsist only panic to pierce my heart. Where peace is replaced with doubt and the burdens on my heart tighten thier grip and squeeze.
It would seem to the keen observer that I am standing at a crossroad with many difficult decisions to make. I am learning how to be alone finally but I am still quite uncomfortable. Sometimes I see her in my minds' eye, living without me, living the life i thought we were meant to share. In my daydreams I see her happy and I suppose that is all I ever wanted. I survive not in misery but not happy either. There is a certain sorrow in simply living for today, in living only for oneself, and without a tangible love to call my own I am constantly uneasy. I am at a loss about what to do with myself on those rollercoaster nights that always seem to leave me charged to make a change, yet emotionally drained. I have told myself on more than one occasion that I am tired of being alone but......
Sometimes I lie in my bed visualizing the day when I will feel more than the thump of my own beating heart. In the morning thier are no children to take to school and at night thier are no more parties to attend, it's just me. I am standing at an open door, between my hopes and dreams and self-denial. I remain at it's edge uncertain because behind me lies a wake of failure and pain and I don't want to hurt anymore.
Put your own pic on Phillip...geez. lol. I love reading your stuff, it's always very deep.
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