Is it strange for a young man to desire to have a family? I mean, I look around and my brothers and sisters all have these precious little ones to care for and I walk around feeling sorry for myself because I am alone. Shouldn’t I revel in my youth at this point in my life? Shouldn’t I be to the point where I just want to go to parties and drink till I am lost in the excitement of the night? I think that I started my wild life at such a young age that I am wore out from all the long nights and now I just wish that things would settle a bit. I want to shop for the groceries and be up late at night with my crying child. I want to be mindful of an anniversary and bring a smile onto the face of my wife. I want to celebrate the birthday of my children and watch their eyes light up on Christmas morning at the sight of their brightly wrapped gifts. I want to be a provider for more than just myself and grow old in the arms of some wonderful woman. I want to dislike my in-laws and attend PTA meetings and this is getting weird. What brings a man to the point when he no longer desires to wake up in the bed of a stranger? What causes him to become bored at the thought of spring break and stare into space when others speak of their trivial weekend exploits?
Tupac Shakur said it best, “ A young heart with an old soul, how can there be peace. How can I know who I am when there are two inside of me. This duo within me causes the perfect opportunity, to love and live twice as fast as those who accept simplicity.”
And although he said it best I don’t know if I can when the war. I battle daily and at this point, I am sick of myself. I’m just tired of making all my decisions based on the condition of my heart. I feel like I’m missing out on so much in my life by keeping everyone at arms length. Somewhere buried inside lays the fear that I might crack this fragile heart of mine. I can’t remember the last time I even hugged a woman or felt entirely comfortable lying down in my bed alone. And it’s strange because, although I push others outside my circle, I truly just want someone to let me care about them and allow myself to be comforted.
Being comfortable with yourself is the hardest thing of all to do, as I have found in the last year or so. You seem very sure of what you want and if that's what you're feeling then you have to do it. We all reach certain stages in our life and if you're feeling the need for your own family, then it's the right time. Some people never get there, but you are right in that it's the most rewarding thing to accomplish in life. You will find it when you least expect it.
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