03/10/09

There should come a point where I ought to stop allowing these old feelings to eat at me. My emotions have run wild long enough, holiding me under the water of despair, and it ought to be time to let it go. Why then does my heart retain this smallest bit of self condemnation off in the niches and invisible nooks? It comes to me after short burst of frustration and anger, but when all the dust settles I remember it was that same flaw in my character that broke her heart in the first place. Some nights I sit, think, and cry wondering will I ever change. I sit to keep from pacing and I think about every relationship I have managed to burn to the ground with selfish attitudes. The tears come because so much of the rest is bottled up or buried under regret that they simply have no place to receed to anymore. I is more than just male ego, I mean, my greatest fallacy was in thinking I knew what it meant to love. Now hindsight is twenty-twenty but it still hurts when I look back, it burns a crease right down the center of things. It's like a line drawn through smooth sand and still here I am just standing.Behind me as far as the eye can see, is a winding trail of failure and part of me just can't take that first step over the line.