Love is a funny thing. I can't see it or touch it, it is quite untangible and yet I know with all my heart that it is real. It is like the wind in that I can only bear witness to the evidence of something so beautiful.
Still some nights I wonder where is God when I need him the most.
Father, I am drowning but you choose to let me flounder and struggle in the deep waters of my aching heart day after miserable day. Just when I think all is well, the lingering consequences of my decisions manage to wrench another tear from my tired eyes. Father I search the skies for you but you hide you face from me. I shout into the dark, sleeping city,"where are you?", and all I hear is the echo of my own lonely voice. Tonight I found a quiet chapel to confront you with my pain and I waited all night for you but Lord you never showed up. The emptiness there was so frustrating as I sat staring at an empty cross, questioning everything I have come to believe.
I pour out my heart to you only hoping to be heard. Withou you I am a man dying to be filled by another. Withou you thier is a void as wide as the sky and as deep as the oceans. This cavity no man, woman, or addiction can ever relieve. Lord if you have ever cared about me enough to peer into my heart, you would know that all I want before I die is to feel the kind of all encompassing love you posess. God I have known some hardships in my life that have thrown me from the good road you laid before me and all Im saying now is that I want to know you again, please don't leave me now. The past year of my life has taught me a great deal. I don't think I ever learned how to give or to love properly because I was always so concerned about myself. I have done everything for myself since I was 16 years old and so I always had to make sure that I was taken care of because nobody else ever has. Still in the past ten years I have failed at most of the relationships I have tried to build and I know thier has got to be a reason behind that. I think it's because of my need to always have more and more, my greed, and my selfishness. In the past six months I have realized that I want Gods help to try and rebuild my character because my regrets just eat at me. I want to be the kind of man that God responds to but nothing seems to be working but I am patient. It's just so hard cause I never learned to trust anybody as far as I can see. So how do you expect me to trust in you, whom I can't see, when you wont even speak to me in that still small voice I keep hearing everybody talk about in church.?
Spiritaully I am torn and I don't want to keep feeling like this. This is my written cry for help God.
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