Goodbye

I never wanted to say goodbye in the first place, ending our four-year long relationship was the hardest thing I ever had to endure. I have, on several occasions since our relationship ended, thought I saw her walking down the street or at the mall but it wasn’t her. It would seem that I see her face in every other woman I meet, most of the time it is harder for me to disassociate the memories of all the things we have been through together. I think of her when I’m not supposed to and when I’m not trying to and it just eats me up sometimes. Three weeks ago I saw one of those monkey like teddy bears at Wal-Mart and it took me back to a time when we went to the carnival and I won her something similar and surprisingly the emotion behind it stopped me in my tracks. I avoid going to places we used to eat at because I don’t want to think about her anymore. Does anyone know how weak it makes a man feel when he can’t seem to overcome something so small? It was a large portion of my adult years that carved out an empty space within once she was gone. It always seemed so cliché to me when I heard somebody say how a person can take a piece of you when they leave. I always thought that I would be ok, but I’m not. I struggle most days with the fact that I know she is never coming back and that at this point I don’t even want her anymore but a sour smell still remains. The first month after she left I cried and the second month I fumed but in the months to follow I prayed to God. I never wanted to say goodbye but in the end I never got the chance to end things on terms I could live with. I have questioned everything I thought was the problem in hopes of finding a remedy for why I can’t hang on to love.
My routine is probably the saddest thing you’ve ever seen, I get up in the morning and I look in the mirror and encourage myself. Not like a mantra or some self help chant but I try to remember that I am a good man and I do deserve love no matter what kind of mistakes I have made, and as if I could communicate with her very heart from afar I tell her goodbye.