Im stuggling trying to wrap my mind around some of the things the bible offers me to eat. Somethings don't sit right in my stomach and I try to address them with God but he remains silent. Most christians would agree that it would be pretty foolish of a man to have gained the whole world and end the end lose his eternal soul. I can't say that I completely disagree I just feel different than others about issues we should all agree on. Ecclesiates chapter 11 verse 7 says, "Light is sweet and it pleases the eyes to see the sun. However many years a man may live, let him enjoy them all. but let him remember the days of darkness, for they will be many."
When I reflect on those words I think about all the things I've been through the last year and a half and I am grateful to be alive. Still I can't tell if these are dark days or not, maybe I exist in the light which is in him or maybe I'm just so used to not having anything that I have settled for the menial things when God has really called me to do bigger things. You'd think I would know what God's will is for my life but I don't and it causes me to question my christianity on a daily basis. I am told to ignore my emotional needs and resist sinful temptations. I have denied myself my hearts desires but it pangs me to do so and I don't know what sin is sometimes. It can become so trivial and it can cause a man to tip-toe around on eggshells in fear of the Lord.
Verse 9 in Ecclesiates says," Follow the ways of your heart andwhatever your eyes see but know that for all these things God will bring you judgement." I think to myself, does God himself want us to be miserable in this life. Does God not care about my emotional well being. Maybe I'm not getting the full scope of things with him and maybe I never will.

Most of all I wonder why God would create in me this deep desire to be loved and never intend to fill that burning need. Corithians says that love is patient and love is kind, it is longsuffering, it keeps no records of wrongs, etc. All my life I have searched out the meaning of so much and nothing could be as simple as showing love to someone. It may be difficult most of the time but doable. I write and I write until I can't think of a single thing to say until the silence itself poses a question. It says what happens when all the hustle and bustle of life is gone and i have planted many fields and I have started many businesses and aquired much wealth throughout my life and I come home to an hollow cave of a house, a cell. When there is nomore work to be done and i have deticated myself to loving others but nobody ever came into my life personally. How will I cope when the vigor of my youth is gone and no one comes to visit. Can a man endure to the end without love. Can a man be filled with the love that is in jesus without ever have being loved by the world. What good is it to be rich, to gain the whole world and lose your soul?